Summary of ”You Do You” (2017) (By Sarah Knight)

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Introduction:

It’s impossible not to laugh when you hear Sarah Knight. Several times throughout the book, I actually roared with laughter.

People would look at me strangely if I were on the subway. Or my girlfriend asking me to explain the joke. Sarah Knight’s writing style manages to be at once intimate, illuminating, and hilarious. Addiction is quite simple to achieve. Not only do you feel “happier” in your head after reading her novels because of the ideas and thoughts she generates, but I also felt happier just because I was reading her works.

“You Do You” is predicated on the central idea that the reader should do what makes them happy. It’s a sobering reminder that you will always face “judgy mcjudgersons” and other influences that try to convince you to act in a specific way. But in reality, you should be able to perform actions the way you choose, so long as you’re not being a horrible person or harming anyone else.

How to accept yourself and make the most of the resources available to you in order to achieve your goals. Obviously, there are typically regulations to follow in a variety of settings. Nonetheless, Sarah Knight also draws attention to the ones that are more like “guidelines” you can transgress, and how to do so successfully without provoking controversy.

Just like the other books in the series, You Do You is based on the author’s personal experiences. Sarah Knight has learned lessons and applied them elsewhere after reflecting on defining times in her life. It’s much simpler to grasp the principles and methods she’s outlining because she provides several instances throughout the text. I found that it brought up memories from my own life and helped me look at the choices I’ve made, as well as the plans I’ve accepted, from a new perspective.

The book does guide you through each stage, explaining key principles, relating relevant experiences, and covering a wide range of topics.

This is important since it lays the groundwork for what you’ll do when you expand on your skills and the things you can achieve in your own existence. I also recommend performing the small amount of contemplative work suggested throughout the book. It’s best to put self-help advice into practice as you read it rather than wait until the conclusion and risk forgetting anything important. Mobile phone note taking is ideal for such situations because it enables instant retrieval of previous entries.

Since I’ve been thinking about this, I’ve had to completely reevaluate my previous assumptions. I’m still trying to perfect this and frequently revert to old habits despite my best intentions. But I try to remember what I’ve learned in the book, consider what I want (from this scenario and how it affects what I want in the broader sense of life), and apply it to the problem at hand. Because of this, I’ve been able to better manage my time, focus on what’s most important, and spend more quality time with the people and activities that matter most to me.

There will constantly be things that I “have to” do in order to make my life more manageable, enjoyable, productive, etc. However, such is life. And I think I’m finally starting to be able to take those in my stride as well. Now that I have a better grasp on things, I am happy in general, which may have implications for other areas of life as well. And yet, I can’t help but believe that this factor has been significant.

Let’s get into the nutshell version now.

Introduction:

A statement like, “Today you are you; that is absolutely true; there is nobody living who is you-er than you!” is as accurate as it gets. These inspiring remarks from Dr. Seuss may be the best advice you ever get. Of course, this assumes that you already have a solid grasp on your own identity.

Well-meaning encouraging slogans like “Be yourself—everyone else has already taken it!” are just as problematic. Simply put, it’s not easy to figure out who you are. That’s in part because people are always looking to make new friends. Having a need for social interaction and approval drives us to constantly seek out other people.

And we learn what is and isn’t socially acceptable based on how others act around us. To no one’s surprise, these cues also exert a strong influence on our taste in clothing, our sense of humor, and a wide range of other pursuits.

Several of these factors are not malicious at all. While perusing Instagram, perhaps you’ll come across a friend who is sporting a particularly adorable hat. You’re so moved by her lovely photo that you decide to follow in her footsteps and get a hat that’s perfect for you.

In this scenario, there is no risk because your decision to buy the hat is driven entirely by your own personal taste and not by any infringement on another’s. And that’s fine, since that’s how many great ideas are born. People often think, “Hey, that could really look great on me too!” when they see an article of clothing or a hairstyle on another person that they admire. However, this changes when you are coerced into participating in activities you despise just to fit in with the group.

Consider the following scenario to better understand this example: All your friends have straightened their hair. Every morning, they devote many hours to smoothing it out so that it resembles blown glass. Since everyone does this, you’ll start to see that your buddies all start to blend together.

The curls in your hair, however, are genetic. Yes, that’s the way you want it, too. You want to resist the pressure, but you can’t help but notice that everyone around you is sporting a sleek, straight cut. You decide to straighten your hair despite the fact that it isn’t what you desire and doesn’t really reflect who you are.

This is the sort of thing that Sarah Knight refers to because all too often we allow ourselves to get sucked into the traps of phony social conformity. And before long, we have lost all sense of self and personal style.

Because of this, the author hopes that you will restore your individuality and sense of self by following a single, straightforward philosophy: you do you. In this overview, I’ll discuss some of her most useful recommendations for accomplishing just that

Chapter 1

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An Unspoken Code Of Conduct

Have you ever thought of yourself as someone who generally obeys the law? There are plenty of people who wear this label with pride. The laws of life are drilled into our heads from an early age. Therefore, we learn to trust that good fortune will come our way if we are good citizens and act in accordance with established norms. We put this into reality by helping each other out and completing our assignments on time.

We pay attention in class, do our homework, and don’t try to get by with any shady test-taking tactics because we’ve been taught to. However, the rules get more nuanced as we enter adulthood. In addition, many of these norms are tacit; we pick them up by observing the actions of individuals around us and extrapolating from those signals.

Consider a hypothetical situation in which you confidently show your knowledge by raising your hand to answer a question in a university class. But then you find out the hard way that knowing things is not cool when everyone makes fun of you and calls you a nerd. You may decide to act dumber than you really are or to refrain from answering questions even if you actually know the answers.

While “don’t kill people” is unquestionably a law, “don’t answer questions” is more of a rule that we prefer to adhere to fervently. If we broke one law, we could go to jail, but if we broke another, we could become social pariahs. The second choice actually seems worse to many individuals. This is because of how desperately people want to belong to a group and be welcomed. So, similar to the straightening-your-hair example we looked at before, you might feel pressure to abandon your uniqueness in favor of fitting in.

To put it simply, we occasionally conform to unstated social norms because we believe doing so will help us be accepted. That’s because we mistakenly believe that achieving social acceptance is the key to contentment. However, the author insists that this is far from reality.

Although conforming may provide temporary relief from social discomfort, doing so ultimately compels us to lie to ourselves and others. Moreover, we can never be truly content while we suppress our own selves. For the simple reason that learning to accept oneself and “do oneself” is the only way to find lasting joy. Let’s dig a little further to find out what it signifies.

Chapter 2

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Self- Care is Not Selfish

Do you keep in mind the social conventions and regulations we covered in the last chapter? A lot of these norms, such as giving and taking, waiting one’s turn, and conforming to the group, are obviously geared toward the group as a whole. In a nutshell, the common thread among them is putting other people first. That’s a fantastic development in many scenarios! We need to be welcoming and giving. It’s important that we’re willing to put others’ needs before our own. However, it’s easy to forget that this does not include submitting to everyone else’s whims and demands.

Whenever it comes to establishing personal limits, we humans consistently fall into this trap. Because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, we often consent to things that make us uneasy. Although it may hurt us deeply, we always put the other person’s emotions first. Furthermore, we frequently do away with any barriers, making ourselves completely available at all times.

Then you’re just being too nice! The author makes the observation that teaching us to be selfless is a fundamental part of our upbringing. The children rapidly learn to resent those who refuse to share, cut in line, or take the very last cookie for themselves.

Adulthood teaches us that no one appreciates being around people who are focused solely on themselves. And so we do the reverse, becoming too selfless. We put the needs of others ahead of our own because we don’t want to cause pain or be rude, yet this often leads to burnout.

This is why Knight feels it’s important to stress that putting one’s own needs first is not egocentric. To fully appreciate her argument, though, we need to examine her idea of self-care. Common associations with “self-care” include pampering activities like applying a face mask or taking a bubble bath. These seemingly insignificant acts of self-compassion can have a surprisingly big impact on our ability to handle stress.

However, self-care isn’t always soothing and straightforward. When we take the time to focus on our own well-being, it can be difficult and introspective, and our efforts may be misunderstood by those around us. The author, however, makes an effort to redefine these behaviors by coining a new term: “self-ish.” Even though the two terms sound similar, “selfish” and “selfish” are actually quite different.

(Despite the bewildering language!) Because selfishness involves focusing on and prioritizing one’s own needs and interests. Having limits and being true to who you are are key. Let’s look at a few instances to better understand this method in action. Imagine, for a moment, that you have a poisonous friendship with someone who is a major drain on your time, effort, and emotional reserves. The best way to describe this friend is as a “energy vampire,” or someone who takes from you without giving anything back.

You can expect to be on the phone with your friend for at least two hours every time she calls, during which she will complain about everything that is wrong in her life. She shows you the text of her actual fights with her spouse and offspring. Throughout the day, she updates you on her restroom visits. She says she was sick today and describes the color of her vomit in great detail.

Plus, she talks to you for three hours but never checks in to see how you are. All things considered, it’s safe to say that this buddy is disgusting and thoughtless. Despite the fact that it’s eleven in the morning, by the time you hang up with her, you’re exhausted. (No one would blame you if you did.) It’s not surprising that you’ve grown to dread her phone calls after so many years of friendship.

If this friend isn’t bringing anything positive into your life, then why keep them around? When her detrimental effects on you are so obvious, why put up with her? Feeling sorry for her could be a factor. You’re a caring person, and you know she’s having a hard time right now. You would be acting selfishly if you told her that you couldn’t deal with her difficulties or if you refused to spend three hours on the phone listening to her stomach ache.

Thus, you continue to answer her calls despite the fact that they sap your strength and cause you anguish. You also fail to establish limits, despite the fact that your continual contact with her is a major source of stress and often leads you to be late. You act in this way because you justify it in your mind as being the best option available. Here’s where putting one’s own needs first becomes important, though. To be egocentric, you must realize that you cannot afford to share your vitality with someone who feeds off of others.

You’ve also come to realize that this individual isn’t a friend at all, but rather a problem dump. Your efforts and expertise are not cheap, and you know it.

If you want to act in a selfish manner, you can do one of two things. You might tell her that this friendship isn’t working for you, and you want to stop it in order to rid yourself of the negative energy it has been bringing into your life. It’s also possible to build up healthy boundaries if you’d rather keep her in your life but at a distance. If you decide on the latter, the next time she calls, you can politely explain that you simply can’t spare the time or energy to talk for three hours. Give her an upper limit of 15-30 minutes for the conversation.

You could also mention that it hurts you that she doesn’t ask you about yourself and that you’d like to chat about yourself more. It’s possible that your vitality vampire didn’t even realize what they’d been doing to you the whole time. The reason behind this is that they are egocentric rather than egocentric. But they might opt to alter their conduct if you bring it to their attention in a subtle manner.

As can be seen from this case, there are several advantages to putting one’s own needs first while dealing with a toxic buddy. In addition to protecting your own time and energy, you could also develop appropriate boundaries and nurture a healthier relationship with your friend (or eliminate an energy vampire from your life!).

Despite these upsides, simplicity is not guaranteed. We discussed earlier in this chapter the idea that people don’t create limits because they are afraid of coming across as selfish. For this reason, an illustrative contrast between selfishness and self-ishness can be instructive.

Let’s assume for the sake of argument that you despise your in-laws’ mother. (And by that, I mean you despise her immensely.) She’s pretentious, judgmental, and generally unpleasant to be around. And yet, despite all of her flaws, she does have one redeeming feature: she genuinely cares about and wants to be involved with your children. She may not be great to you, but she’s always been incredibly caring and supportive of her family.

That being said, you can choose whether or not to invite your mother-in-law to your daughter’s 6th birthday celebration. Nine out of ten times, she will find out you didn’t invite her because she heard about it from someone else.

There’s a much greater possibility that she’ll be severely wounded and insulted, creating a permanent gap in your family that will make life challenging for your partner and your children. If you knew that, you might be able to smile and pretend to enjoy spending the afternoon with her.

But since you dislike her so much, you plan to make everyone angry, ruin relationships permanently, and not invite her to her own granddaughter’s birthday celebration.

Pretty almost anyone looking at this situation would conclude that it is entirely self-serving. The first scenario includes setting clear limits in a toxic, elevated situation, whereas the second entails hurting others unnecessarily so that you can avoid someone you despise for a few hours.

By comparing the two, it is easy to see which one is incorrect. Don’t think that caring for oneself is a selfish act! Moreover, you should not equate being selfish with being self-centered. A key tenet of the author’s “you do you” philosophy is the understanding that you cannot serve others unless you first take care of yourself emotionally and physically.

On the other hand, this does not give you carte blanche to put your needs ahead of those of others. Keeping that in mind, you can cultivate healthy egotism and fully embrace the “you do you” lifestyle.

Chapter 3

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Conclusion

There are many competing demands on us in this life. However, the author notes that many of them are superfluous. Sometimes being nice to people we don’t like or going to work are unavoidable obligations. However, you were not put on this planet to try to please other people, accept destructive relationships, or follow the crowd. You were instead put here on Earth to fulfill your unique purpose. The greatest way to do it is to become the truest version of yourself.

To sum up:

If  you don’t want children, don’t have any! Obviously, you shouldn’t waste your time and money on college if you have no interest in learning. But if you identify as a nerd, flaunt it! Don’t stop fielding queries and showing off your knowledge. for the simple reason that it exemplifies you being you.

While being genuine may be challenging, it is the key to lasting fulfillment. Don’t be scared to be yourself, even if this means breaking up with toxic friends, sticking out, or experiencing occasional awkwardness. Just. Do.

The following is the important message from this summary:

In life, you’ll encounter many social standards and regulations that seem to have been put there arbitrarily. We’re better off when we ignore these standards, despite the fact that we may feel forced to conform to them. By accepting ourselves exactly as we are, however “strange” that may seem in the eyes of others, we set ourselves free to pursue our true passions. That’s what sets us on the course to fulfillment, in the end.

Practical suggestions:

-Mind Your Own Winds.

Thinking about your WNDs is a simple way to keep your priorities straight. What you desire, what you need, and what you deserve, shortened. Take out a piece of paper and write down everything that fits into these headings. This exercise will aid you in clarifying your ideal self and social relationships.

-The Social Agreement

As soon as we emerge from the womb, we enter into a set of norms for social cognition that we all accept to adhere to (more or less) in order to coexist peacefully. Though the “social contract” is not a physical document, its provisions are well recognized and understood.

The Revised Social Contract:

1) Avoid becoming self-centered.

Care for one’s own needs while maintaining compassion for others is not just acceptable but encouraged. Selfishness and altruism need not be incompatible.

2)Try your hardest

Having drive and honesty are admirable traits, but they won’t get you far if you spend all your time itching stress-induced rashes.

3)Don’t make things complicated.

Prove your worth by speaking up, both for yourself and for others. Having the guts to stand up for what you believe in is not the same as being “difficult.” It’s commendable, and it’ll guarantee you a seat at the head of the table.

4) Work well with others.

If you’re happier going against the grain, by all means, do so. To paraphrase a famous movie line: “Who gives a fuck how you do it, as long as you get it done?” (Or it doesn’t happen at all. (For a clarification of the preceding sentence, please refer to the revised clause 2.)

5)Don’t give up your day career

Learn to take calculated risks and ignore the naysayers who will try to talk you out of it. Also: a fear of failure is basically a large blue tarp thrown over your hopes and dreams.

6) You’ll alter your mind.

Perhaps; if so, though, it’s not a big deal. Be yourself and don’t let the judgments of others, especially when it comes to the “unconventional” decisions you make in life.

7) You’re not going to get far with that mentality.

Your correct attitude is whatever gives you the energy you need, makes you feel secure, and allows you to get a good night’s rest before you start enjoying your trip.

8) You will be sorry about it.

People will keep trying to convince you otherwise by filling your head with stories of future calamity, even if their initial attempts to do so fail. Stop paying attention to what they have to say.

9) When you don’t attend college, you’ll never be able to find a decent career.

It’s up to you to set your own standards for success. Nobody needs a certificate or a degree to tell them how they should feel.

10) You’ll never get that back.

Put your hands up if you’re weird and you realize it. And if you disagree, a round of congratulations for the rest of us probably wouldn’t go amiss.

11) You should really prioritize your family.

Please don’t hesitate to give the same amount of praise to each of the beautiful individuals in your life. Finally, I wonder whether that was that difficult.

12) You ought not to be acting so strangely.

There is no shame in being honest about the fact that you take care of your mental as well as physical health.

You need to put on a happier face.

Excuse me, but could you please fuck off?

14) You could perhaps avoid eating that.

Instead of criticizing your body for what it isn’t, learn to accept it as it is. Please keep some pizza for me.

Leave your pride at the entrance.

Without faith in oneself, one cannot expect anyone else to have faith in them. Take pride in it, use it in your everyday interactions, and be sure to congratulate yourself regularly. Congratulations! You deserve it.

Tips To Avoid Becoming A Psychopath

• Get a nice feeling from being a good person, not from messing with other people for the sake of it.
• Never confuse “doing you” with “being careless.”
• Accept the results of your actions when they are the result of your doing them.
• Feel compassion for the countless other people who are also attempting these things.
• Rather than trying to fit into someone else’s identity, focus on developing your own.

Here Are Five Explanations As To Why It’s Not A Good Idea To Strive For Perfection:

1. Your dream of remaining after class and receiving “tutoring aid” from the attractive professor will never come true. (?)

• Having a large social circle means that people will want you to throw and cater all of their parties and provide an endless supply of soups.

• There is no way for your Uber score to improve.

• On Ambush Makeover, you won’t be chosen for a one-on-one clothing session with a famous designer.

• You will spend most of your day wishing you could smack other people across the face.

I wish you the best of luck as you work to improve. Never settle; follow your heart

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